Pause

Three and a half years ago I did something for the first time in my career. I took a job that would be easy. There have been lots of challenges for sure. But for the most part I come to work, do as little or as much work as I like, and then go home. It takes surprisingly little to make my boss happy.

Before then I was the Executive Director for a non profit and was ambitious in my career. But divorce just took the wind out of me. I was exhausted and needed to simplify my life. I stepped down from the board of a volunteer nonprofit I served on and got a simpler job. I let go of almost all commitments. I stopped accepting invitations to social get togethers. I avoided life.

I needed that time for self reflection, selfish pursuits, and recovery.

Last week I applied for an upper management position running a brand new office in our agency that would be a huge pay increase, require a move across the state, and would be very demanding. I have no idea if I have a real shot, but the fact that I am even applying for this position tells me something important about myself.

I'm finally ready to move on. There isn't the sense of relief that I would expect but maybe that is only because it is just one small hurdle of many. Many hurdles I already jumped, but there are many more to go. I would never have expected this journey to be as long and complicated as it is. But it isn't something you can force. You can try to avoid it, but it will happen anyways, in ways that will likely be worse. Each hurdle though opens up a door. Each hurdle lifts a weight off of your heart.

Anyways, wish me luck, if anyone is even reading this.

Frozen, Part 2

I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line I became one of those nice girls that worry more about hurting someone's feelings than how they are hurting mine. I worry so much about how my words or actions might effect a man that I let them do just about whatever he wants to me. I thought I was finally stronger than that, until my last date.

But first I think I need to finally put down in writing what happened to me two years ago. I was raped. That is a hard thing to say. I haven't even said it out loud. It is hard because I didn't even consider it rape until recently. I honestly told myself that because I didn't fight it and allowed it to happen, to avoid being raped (because I was in control, right?), that it wasn't rape.

It was an OK Cupid date. With a much younger guy. So no one was looking for love. We were supposed to meet in a restaurant. But when I got there he wouldn't get out of his truck because he said he forgot his wallet and couldn't have dinner with me unless he could pay for it. Even writing this is making me feel pretty stupid. But at that time I was also pretty broken. I didn't care about my safety. I didn't care about my body. I didn't care about my life. I just wanted to feel wanted. I didn't love myself so I needed someone else to. Christ, I'm too old to still be here.

I let him convince me into getting in the car with him, just to talk. And then he decides driving and talking is better. Soon he is driving me to a pretty remote area. He parked in an orchard. He pulled me outside. I told myself that if I tried to stop it, at best I might get left in the middle of nowhere to walk the several miles back to my car. At worst I might be raped. So I just let it happen. Any sane man would be able to tell I wasn't enjoying it. But he clearly didn't care. So since I let it happen, it couldn't be rape, right?

When it was over he drove me back to my car. I just drove away and laughed it off, like, what a loser. It was a couple years later that I thought about that night and broke down in shame.

I have blamed myself for this, not him. Blamed myself for getting myself into that situation. Blamed myself for all the sleeping around I did that led me to that point. Blamed myself for not loving and respecting myself more. Blamed myself for not fighting back.

And now, nine months later, I decide to try dating again. On craigslist, like I mentioned on the last post. I decided to take a chance on one guy. He seemed interesting. We had dinner. I wasn't feeling it but I listened to him talk about himself for about an hour. He kept telling me how much he liked me and I just told him I hadn't put an ad on craigslist like that before (which I haven't) and I wasn't yet sure what I was looking for. Finally, I told him I needed to get home to my daughter, which I did. He told me I should come to his house. He kept insisting. I can't believe I almost said yes just to appease him. But I didn't.

We went outside and I agreed to a hug, but he pulled me closer and was trying to kiss me. I finally broke it off and went to my car and he insisted on getting into my car for more "hugs". I let him. That's when he started to aggressively kiss me and grab my hair. I was just sitting their. Frozen. Again, any sane man should have been able to tell that I wasn't enjoying it. Why did I just sit there? Why was I afraid to hurt this asshole's feelings? How many times have I told my daughter that if some man is harassing her or making her feel uncomfortable to never hesitate to tell him to fuck off? It is not your job to make him happy, to smile at him, to listen to him. I tell her that all the time, because I don't want her to let these exact kinds of things happen to her.

So there I am. But finally this thought screamed in my head - why am I letting this happen? I yelled, "I have to go home!". OK, it wasn't "Get the fuck out of my car!", which is what I should have said, but it's a start. He jumped out of the car but said he wanted to see me again. I went home. I blocked him.

I don't think I'm going to go on another date for awhile. Serious or casual. Just not ready.

Frozen, Part 1

Which is easier?  Single, FWB, or Boyfriend?

So here I am, over three and a half years after divorce. After a 9 month sex free hiatus, I decided I wasn't going to have time for a boyfriend anytime soon, and I should just get myself a more 'casual' type situation. You know, casual... winky winky.

Now I have tried this before but that was too soon after my divorce and it ended with me getting clingy and heartbroken anyways. But after 9 months I figured I was ready.

Why not a boyfriend? Well honestly, I'm not sure I am emotionally strong enough to keep myself from turning into that needy, self loathing woman I was in my marriage. I have worked really hard to love and respect myself for the first time in my life, and I sure as hell am not going back to being that woman.

So I finally took the chance and placed a Craigslist ad. Now before you say, "ewwww, gross!" Craigslist isn't like it used to be (nothing but ads from truckers passing through town).  It is a pretty legit way these days of finding just about every type of, well, arrangement you might be looking for. And after listening to several podcasts from Billy Procida, I decided to take a chance.

It was a long ad. It was specific. I wanted to make sure readers knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well right off the bat it gets flagged. Twice. Both times after placing it under Casual Encounters. So I tried Woman for Man. That lasted longer but was flagged again after two hours. So I found an online forum made for asking questions about flagging. I posted my ad and asked why it had been flagged. What rule had I broken? Turns out, I hadn't broken any. The first commentor gave me a list of 'helpful' suggestions to make my ad better, that basically boiled down to, quit being such a bossy bitch. After a couple back and forths, I finally told them, I'm not going to water down my ad to cater to insecure men.

So I reposted under Woman for Man again, since it had resulted in about 20 responses before it was flagged the first time. I didn't change anything but I added, at the bottom (and I summarize): To the fuckwads that keep flagging my post, if you don't like women that state what they want and how they want it, you can kiss my curvy (because that was one of the terms they didn't like) ass and move the fuck on. Interestingly, it wasn't flagged again. I finally took it down myself after getting about 50 responses.

So what kind of responses did I get, and is finding and keeping a FWB really easier than a boyfriend? Well stay tuned (do people still use that term?) and find out.

Frozen, Part 2

Gratitude

Sometimes your brain knows something that your heart doesn't can't feel.  In fact that happens a lot to me.

I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for (but I feel like my life is shit).

I know I am better off without him (but I am still mad at him).

I know I am lucky to have a good paying job that allows me to help other do good work (but I don't want to go to work in the mornings).

Etc.

When your heart starts feeling what your brain knows, the relief is thick and welcome. I think the heart starts feeling it when something happens that snaps you out of your self pity. Gawd I was getting so sick of self pity.  

Crazy, but when DT got elected, I was like, I have bigger things to worry about. I started to worry less about myself and more about the impacts of a our new president. I realized I could lose my federally funded job, so I started feeling more grateful for it. 

I haven't seen my (best?) friend for months and my life has been quiet and peaceful. I don't think I realized how much stress she brought to my life.  I love her, and I care about her, but she really hurt me, and I don't know if I trust her anymore. I miss her, but being away from her has made me realize how much stress I have had in my life because of other people, not myself.  I have used that time being super productive fixing up my house, cleaning, writing, whatever.  It's great. And I'm not ready to have her back in my life. I don't know when I will.

The other day I was sitting on my back porch in the evening looking over my yard and loving it. I love my house. It's all mine and I've earned it. I've put love and care into it. I said thank you out loud.

My kids are far from perfect (as am I) but they are pretty damn amazing. They are good people.  I help them as best I can. I've been harder on them over the last six months. I was so easy on them because of the divorce, but it wasn't serving them anymore. And it's working; the grades are better, their attitudes are (mostly better). My son is doing well living with his dad, although he comes to my house as often as he could. Which I love.

Sorry if this post comes off as self serving. But it is pretty great feeling this way. I'm not bragging, I mean shit, it has taken 46 years. It's about time. If you are younger than me, don't wait that long.

Cleaning Up

I have been obsessively cleaning and organizing my house, throwing out anything that I don't need. I've never been a clean freak. I'm not dirty, just messy. After my divorce, I went through all my closets and garage and got rid of a fantastic amount of stuff. Boxes went to the ex, carloads to Goodwill and the dump, several weeks of full cans of recyclables, and three yard sales. But still, I feel overwhelmed with clutter and chaos.

But that changed two weeks ago. In the last two weeks, I finished redoing my bathroom, started in on the tile/tar paper on the wood stairs, and spent 12 hours total cleaning my kitchen, and I'm still not done. I've done yard work, sewing, and more. And it's all I think about; what next? But it isn't a negative, anxious feeling. It is more like... now I am ready.

Someone wrote, probably on Reddit, that once you clear your mind, you can clear your life. My mind hasn't been clearer. Rather than fill my life with fake company and busyness, I'm ready to simplify, increase quality, and, well, cleanse and purge.

The other recent news is that someone is moving into my basement. She is a nurse who has been house sitting for me, taking care of my pets while I'm out of town, for a couple years now. It will be a welcome source of income and I trust her. But she is, well, talkative and cheery. Am I ready for cheery? Maybe.

I have spent the last couple days sitting outside on my back porch. And I found myself saying, I love my house, my kids, my career. I am grateful. It wasn't forced. It was the truth.

It has been a long time since I have felt truly grateful. If ever. And that isn't because I didn't have cause to be. I know I am lucky. But feeling it is different.  We are so programmed in our society to be unsatisfied. It is how consumerism works. It is very hard to reprogram our brains to be grateful for what we have, and know that more won't make us happier.

So today, thank you. Thank you for reading, if there is anyone out there.

Isolation

We all know or hear about people who, over the years, chose to live alone, be alone, isolate themselves from the world. They have endured some type of pain that has made the positives of friendships and other relationships not worth the risk of negatives. Because the negatives have been so painful for them.

I'm scared I am heading down that path. I don't consider myself a negative person. As an introvert, I actually love to spend one on one time with people. Whether it is an old friend or a hook up. I have spent cherished, if brief, time with fleeting lovers and long, intense conversation with old friends, or revealing car rides with co-workers. Introverts actually cherish these experiences.

In high school, and early 20s, I was hurt by several friends. I would go so far as to say I was taken advantage of and betrayed. Once I feel love for a friend, I become completely vulnerable to them. To a fault. I look back and I probably lost those friendships because I voluntarily became a wiping mat, before they even knew they wanted one.

And I'm there again. Do friendships only work if you keep each one an arm's length away? If you keep boundaries? Is that the difference between friendship and an intimate relationship? I don't think I will ever figure out how to navigate any kind of relationship. I look back at this current one and I remember so many happy and fun times. And so many painful ones.

I would love to know how others find and navigate friendships? Do you invite anyone willing into your life, or are you selective? Do you select friends like you would a girl or boyfriend? Someone that has particular qualities, values, and likes/dislikes? Should there be a friendship app like relationship ones?

I don't want to be one of those loners. But I fear once my kids are out of the house, I will become one.

Put On the Spot

I have a weird issue with being singled out. I'm guessing it has to do with being frequently bullied as a child. A product of introversion unfortunately. It ranged from teasing to sexual threats.  And I was such a sensitive kid, so even the more harmless teases seemed so severe. And to this day, although my confidence in myself is stronger than ever, I occasionally am triggered in situations where I feel put in the spotlight, singled out, and mocked. The most recent was at a music festival with my friend. We drank too much, smoked too much, and had a great time all day. But then toward the end of the night, she started talking with this drunk guy, and they were both trying to get me to dance. By myself.  Next to this other guy who was dancing by himself.  To be clear, I love to dance. But not on demand and with an audience, even of two. And they wouldn't stop. They kept prodding and prodding until I finally left. I went to bed. The night felt ruined and funny thing was, I felt like it was my fault.  Or at least I felt that she felt like it was my fault. For not being a sport.

At a wedding many years ago with my ex-husband a similar thing happened. During the reception, he left to use the restroom and probably got sidetracked into a conversation with a friend. Anyways, he was gone for awhile.  The father of the groom started asking me if I was going to go dance. I guess the music was something not requiring couples. He seemed to think I should just get on the dance floor and dance for myself for his amusement. I politely declined. Pretty soon he had several other people around me urging me to go dance. In hindsight (of course) none of them were dancing either and I could have pointed that out. But I didn't. And that wasn't the point. The point was that they knew I was shy, my husband wasn't there, and they were bullying me. And it lead to a panic attack that forced me to ask my husband to take me home. Good times.

I was thinking about it a lot in the shower this morning, and I feel like there must be some hidden childhood memory, or memories, that I'm forgetting that would explain why I'm triggered so easily by these types of things. Like I said, I love to dance. But when someone tries to put me on the spot, I freeze and panic. In my 20s, I went to dance clubs all the time. I had no problem being in the spotlight with my friends at some of my favorite clubs in Seattle.

One of the more awful cases of being bullied was when I was young, 1st or 2nd grade. I was teased a lot by some of the neighbor kids in the trailer park I lived in. One day, a couple of boys somehow coerced me to a dirt lot outside of the park. One of them held me down, held my head to the ground, while the other got on his bike and rode toward me like he was going to run into my head. I don't remember anything after that. I assume that he did not run into my head because I don't have a scar to prove it.

Bullying is thought of as something that kids do. But it is something adults do too. Sometimes ones that are considered pillars of the community. Sometimes ones that are supposed to love you. Of course they think of it as playing around, teasing, not bullying.

Sometimes only introverts get the joy of discovering the true nature of people.