Cleaning Up

I have been obsessively cleaning and organizing my house, throwing out anything that I don't need. I've never been a clean freak. I'm not dirty, just messy. After my divorce, I went through all my closets and garage and got rid of a fantastic amount of stuff. Boxes went to the ex, carloads to Goodwill and the dump, several weeks of full cans of recyclables, and three yard sales. But still, I feel overwhelmed with clutter and chaos.

But that changed two weeks ago. In the last two weeks, I finished redoing my bathroom, started in on the tile/tar paper on the wood stairs, and spent 12 hours total cleaning my kitchen, and I'm still not done. I've done yard work, sewing, and more. And it's all I think about; what next? But it isn't a negative, anxious feeling. It is more like... now I am ready.

Someone wrote, probably on Reddit, that once you clear your mind, you can clear your life. My mind hasn't been clearer. Rather than fill my life with fake company and busyness, I'm ready to simplify, increase quality, and, well, cleanse and purge.

The other recent news is that someone is moving into my basement. She is a nurse who has been house sitting for me, taking care of my pets while I'm out of town, for a couple years now. It will be a welcome source of income and I trust her. But she is, well, talkative and cheery. Am I ready for cheery? Maybe.

I have spent the last couple days sitting outside on my back porch. And I found myself saying, I love my house, my kids, my career. I am grateful. It wasn't forced. It was the truth.

It has been a long time since I have felt truly grateful. If ever. And that isn't because I didn't have cause to be. I know I am lucky. But feeling it is different.  We are so programmed in our society to be unsatisfied. It is how consumerism works. It is very hard to reprogram our brains to be grateful for what we have, and know that more won't make us happier.

So today, thank you. Thank you for reading, if there is anyone out there.