Gratitude

Sometimes your brain knows something that your heart doesn't can't feel.  In fact that happens a lot to me.

I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for (but I feel like my life is shit).

I know I am better off without him (but I am still mad at him).

I know I am lucky to have a good paying job that allows me to help other do good work (but I don't want to go to work in the mornings).

Etc.

When your heart starts feeling what your brain knows, the relief is thick and welcome. I think the heart starts feeling it when something happens that snaps you out of your self pity. Gawd I was getting so sick of self pity.  

Crazy, but when DT got elected, I was like, I have bigger things to worry about. I started to worry less about myself and more about the impacts of a our new president. I realized I could lose my federally funded job, so I started feeling more grateful for it. 

I haven't seen my (best?) friend for months and my life has been quiet and peaceful. I don't think I realized how much stress she brought to my life.  I love her, and I care about her, but she really hurt me, and I don't know if I trust her anymore. I miss her, but being away from her has made me realize how much stress I have had in my life because of other people, not myself.  I have used that time being super productive fixing up my house, cleaning, writing, whatever.  It's great. And I'm not ready to have her back in my life. I don't know when I will.

The other day I was sitting on my back porch in the evening looking over my yard and loving it. I love my house. It's all mine and I've earned it. I've put love and care into it. I said thank you out loud.

My kids are far from perfect (as am I) but they are pretty damn amazing. They are good people.  I help them as best I can. I've been harder on them over the last six months. I was so easy on them because of the divorce, but it wasn't serving them anymore. And it's working; the grades are better, their attitudes are (mostly better). My son is doing well living with his dad, although he comes to my house as often as he could. Which I love.

Sorry if this post comes off as self serving. But it is pretty great feeling this way. I'm not bragging, I mean shit, it has taken 46 years. It's about time. If you are younger than me, don't wait that long.