Put On the Spot

I have a weird issue with being singled out. I'm guessing it has to do with being frequently bullied as a child. A product of introversion unfortunately. It ranged from teasing to sexual threats.  And I was such a sensitive kid, so even the more harmless teases seemed so severe. And to this day, although my confidence in myself is stronger than ever, I occasionally am triggered in situations where I feel put in the spotlight, singled out, and mocked. The most recent was at a music festival with my friend. We drank too much, smoked too much, and had a great time all day. But then toward the end of the night, she started talking with this drunk guy, and they were both trying to get me to dance. By myself.  Next to this other guy who was dancing by himself.  To be clear, I love to dance. But not on demand and with an audience, even of two. And they wouldn't stop. They kept prodding and prodding until I finally left. I went to bed. The night felt ruined and funny thing was, I felt like it was my fault.  Or at least I felt that she felt like it was my fault. For not being a sport.

At a wedding many years ago with my ex-husband a similar thing happened. During the reception, he left to use the restroom and probably got sidetracked into a conversation with a friend. Anyways, he was gone for awhile.  The father of the groom started asking me if I was going to go dance. I guess the music was something not requiring couples. He seemed to think I should just get on the dance floor and dance for myself for his amusement. I politely declined. Pretty soon he had several other people around me urging me to go dance. In hindsight (of course) none of them were dancing either and I could have pointed that out. But I didn't. And that wasn't the point. The point was that they knew I was shy, my husband wasn't there, and they were bullying me. And it lead to a panic attack that forced me to ask my husband to take me home. Good times.

I was thinking about it a lot in the shower this morning, and I feel like there must be some hidden childhood memory, or memories, that I'm forgetting that would explain why I'm triggered so easily by these types of things. Like I said, I love to dance. But when someone tries to put me on the spot, I freeze and panic. In my 20s, I went to dance clubs all the time. I had no problem being in the spotlight with my friends at some of my favorite clubs in Seattle.

One of the more awful cases of being bullied was when I was young, 1st or 2nd grade. I was teased a lot by some of the neighbor kids in the trailer park I lived in. One day, a couple of boys somehow coerced me to a dirt lot outside of the park. One of them held me down, held my head to the ground, while the other got on his bike and rode toward me like he was going to run into my head. I don't remember anything after that. I assume that he did not run into my head because I don't have a scar to prove it.

Bullying is thought of as something that kids do. But it is something adults do too. Sometimes ones that are considered pillars of the community. Sometimes ones that are supposed to love you. Of course they think of it as playing around, teasing, not bullying.

Sometimes only introverts get the joy of discovering the true nature of people.