Boundaries

I think maybe I have lost my best friend. This is a person who is like a twin. We both went through divorces at the same time, take the same depression medication, and even have the same prescription eyeglasses, which I found out when she accidentally grabbed my glasses after a yoga session. She didn't even notice. I could write a novel on our friendship. But it began because of a man. My ex-husband's cousin died in a tragic drinking and driving accident and his death connected me and my ex-husband with her and her ex-husband in the most unexpected way. Now it is ending because of a man. An abusive, broken man whom she finds easier to fix than to fix her own life.  I feel sad but at peace with the end of this friendship. Maybe it will be renewed at some point, maybe not. I accept it either way. But I don't know if this peace comes from the profound shift in my life recently where I have stopped being angry and started being grateful. Or if it comes from my complete ability to detach from female friends. A skill, or curse, that I developed after two friends broke my heart at different times, years ago. I feel like I should feel guilty. Like I am turning my back on her in her darkest hour. But I didn't turn my back. I set up boundaries. Boundaries that she can't accept.

Boundaries are so important. So many times we feel we cannot set up boundaries with our loved ones because they might think we don't love them. But boundaries can be the most loving thing we can do. Especially for ourselves. But this time, it resulted in complete rejection.

But I am starting to feel that I am better off without close friends. Not a healthy feeling for sure. I have friends, but I have not let any of them as deep into my heart as I did her. I guess it was worth it. It got me through some of the darkest times in my life and hers. I am less ashamed of so many things after being so close to someone that accepted me for who I am. What do you do when you know they are misunderstanding your reasons for the boundaries but you also know further explanation is futile or even further damaging?

The dynamics of a friendship vs an intimate relationship are hard for me to navigate. I have always lacked the necessary social intelligence. I also have a history of giving everything to a female friend; like I need to prove myself, bribe them. And, maybe consequentially, I have a history of being taken advantage of.  I don't think I have ever had a relationship of any type that gave me more than I gave it. Or is that just my perception? Is that a weakness or a strength?

I don't know, but this is familiar territory. Not welcome but not feared either.