Frozen, Part 2

I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line I became one of those nice girls that worry more about hurting someone's feelings than how they are hurting mine. I worry so much about how my words or actions might effect a man that I let them do just about whatever he wants to me. I thought I was finally stronger than that, until my last date.

But first I think I need to finally put down in writing what happened to me two years ago. I was raped. That is a hard thing to say. I haven't even said it out loud. It is hard because I didn't even consider it rape until recently. I honestly told myself that because I didn't fight it and allowed it to happen, to avoid being raped (because I was in control, right?), that it wasn't rape.

It was an OK Cupid date. With a much younger guy. So no one was looking for love. We were supposed to meet in a restaurant. But when I got there he wouldn't get out of his truck because he said he forgot his wallet and couldn't have dinner with me unless he could pay for it. Even writing this is making me feel pretty stupid. But at that time I was also pretty broken. I didn't care about my safety. I didn't care about my body. I didn't care about my life. I just wanted to feel wanted. I didn't love myself so I needed someone else to. Christ, I'm too old to still be here.

I let him convince me into getting in the car with him, just to talk. And then he decides driving and talking is better. Soon he is driving me to a pretty remote area. He parked in an orchard. He pulled me outside. I told myself that if I tried to stop it, at best I might get left in the middle of nowhere to walk the several miles back to my car. At worst I might be raped. So I just let it happen. Any sane man would be able to tell I wasn't enjoying it. But he clearly didn't care. So since I let it happen, it couldn't be rape, right?

When it was over he drove me back to my car. I just drove away and laughed it off, like, what a loser. It was a couple years later that I thought about that night and broke down in shame.

I have blamed myself for this, not him. Blamed myself for getting myself into that situation. Blamed myself for all the sleeping around I did that led me to that point. Blamed myself for not loving and respecting myself more. Blamed myself for not fighting back.

And now, nine months later, I decide to try dating again. On craigslist, like I mentioned on the last post. I decided to take a chance on one guy. He seemed interesting. We had dinner. I wasn't feeling it but I listened to him talk about himself for about an hour. He kept telling me how much he liked me and I just told him I hadn't put an ad on craigslist like that before (which I haven't) and I wasn't yet sure what I was looking for. Finally, I told him I needed to get home to my daughter, which I did. He told me I should come to his house. He kept insisting. I can't believe I almost said yes just to appease him. But I didn't.

We went outside and I agreed to a hug, but he pulled me closer and was trying to kiss me. I finally broke it off and went to my car and he insisted on getting into my car for more "hugs". I let him. That's when he started to aggressively kiss me and grab my hair. I was just sitting their. Frozen. Again, any sane man should have been able to tell that I wasn't enjoying it. Why did I just sit there? Why was I afraid to hurt this asshole's feelings? How many times have I told my daughter that if some man is harassing her or making her feel uncomfortable to never hesitate to tell him to fuck off? It is not your job to make him happy, to smile at him, to listen to him. I tell her that all the time, because I don't want her to let these exact kinds of things happen to her.

So there I am. But finally this thought screamed in my head - why am I letting this happen? I yelled, "I have to go home!". OK, it wasn't "Get the fuck out of my car!", which is what I should have said, but it's a start. He jumped out of the car but said he wanted to see me again. I went home. I blocked him.

I don't think I'm going to go on another date for awhile. Serious or casual. Just not ready.