Gratitude

Sometimes your brain knows something that your heart doesn't can't feel.  In fact that happens a lot to me.

I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for (but I feel like my life is shit).

I know I am better off without him (but I am still mad at him).

I know I am lucky to have a good paying job that allows me to help other do good work (but I don't want to go to work in the mornings).

Etc.

When your heart starts feeling what your brain knows, the relief is thick and welcome. I think the heart starts feeling it when something happens that snaps you out of your self pity. Gawd I was getting so sick of self pity.  

Crazy, but when DT got elected, I was like, I have bigger things to worry about. I started to worry less about myself and more about the impacts of a our new president. I realized I could lose my federally funded job, so I started feeling more grateful for it. 

I haven't seen my (best?) friend for months and my life has been quiet and peaceful. I don't think I realized how much stress she brought to my life.  I love her, and I care about her, but she really hurt me, and I don't know if I trust her anymore. I miss her, but being away from her has made me realize how much stress I have had in my life because of other people, not myself.  I have used that time being super productive fixing up my house, cleaning, writing, whatever.  It's great. And I'm not ready to have her back in my life. I don't know when I will.

The other day I was sitting on my back porch in the evening looking over my yard and loving it. I love my house. It's all mine and I've earned it. I've put love and care into it. I said thank you out loud.

My kids are far from perfect (as am I) but they are pretty damn amazing. They are good people.  I help them as best I can. I've been harder on them over the last six months. I was so easy on them because of the divorce, but it wasn't serving them anymore. And it's working; the grades are better, their attitudes are (mostly better). My son is doing well living with his dad, although he comes to my house as often as he could. Which I love.

Sorry if this post comes off as self serving. But it is pretty great feeling this way. I'm not bragging, I mean shit, it has taken 46 years. It's about time. If you are younger than me, don't wait that long.

Cleaning Up

I have been obsessively cleaning and organizing my house, throwing out anything that I don't need. I've never been a clean freak. I'm not dirty, just messy. After my divorce, I went through all my closets and garage and got rid of a fantastic amount of stuff. Boxes went to the ex, carloads to Goodwill and the dump, several weeks of full cans of recyclables, and three yard sales. But still, I feel overwhelmed with clutter and chaos.

But that changed two weeks ago. In the last two weeks, I finished redoing my bathroom, started in on the tile/tar paper on the wood stairs, and spent 12 hours total cleaning my kitchen, and I'm still not done. I've done yard work, sewing, and more. And it's all I think about; what next? But it isn't a negative, anxious feeling. It is more like... now I am ready.

Someone wrote, probably on Reddit, that once you clear your mind, you can clear your life. My mind hasn't been clearer. Rather than fill my life with fake company and busyness, I'm ready to simplify, increase quality, and, well, cleanse and purge.

The other recent news is that someone is moving into my basement. She is a nurse who has been house sitting for me, taking care of my pets while I'm out of town, for a couple years now. It will be a welcome source of income and I trust her. But she is, well, talkative and cheery. Am I ready for cheery? Maybe.

I have spent the last couple days sitting outside on my back porch. And I found myself saying, I love my house, my kids, my career. I am grateful. It wasn't forced. It was the truth.

It has been a long time since I have felt truly grateful. If ever. And that isn't because I didn't have cause to be. I know I am lucky. But feeling it is different.  We are so programmed in our society to be unsatisfied. It is how consumerism works. It is very hard to reprogram our brains to be grateful for what we have, and know that more won't make us happier.

So today, thank you. Thank you for reading, if there is anyone out there.

Isolation

We all know or hear about people who, over the years, chose to live alone, be alone, isolate themselves from the world. They have endured some type of pain that has made the positives of friendships and other relationships not worth the risk of negatives. Because the negatives have been so painful for them.

I'm scared I am heading down that path. I don't consider myself a negative person. As an introvert, I actually love to spend one on one time with people. Whether it is an old friend or a hook up. I have spent cherished, if brief, time with fleeting lovers and long, intense conversation with old friends, or revealing car rides with co-workers. Introverts actually cherish these experiences.

In high school, and early 20s, I was hurt by several friends. I would go so far as to say I was taken advantage of and betrayed. Once I feel love for a friend, I become completely vulnerable to them. To a fault. I look back and I probably lost those friendships because I voluntarily became a wiping mat, before they even knew they wanted one.

And I'm there again. Do friendships only work if you keep each one an arm's length away? If you keep boundaries? Is that the difference between friendship and an intimate relationship? I don't think I will ever figure out how to navigate any kind of relationship. I look back at this current one and I remember so many happy and fun times. And so many painful ones.

I would love to know how others find and navigate friendships? Do you invite anyone willing into your life, or are you selective? Do you select friends like you would a girl or boyfriend? Someone that has particular qualities, values, and likes/dislikes? Should there be a friendship app like relationship ones?

I don't want to be one of those loners. But I fear once my kids are out of the house, I will become one.

Put On the Spot

I have a weird issue with being singled out. I'm guessing it has to do with being frequently bullied as a child. A product of introversion unfortunately. It ranged from teasing to sexual threats.  And I was such a sensitive kid, so even the more harmless teases seemed so severe. And to this day, although my confidence in myself is stronger than ever, I occasionally am triggered in situations where I feel put in the spotlight, singled out, and mocked. The most recent was at a music festival with my friend. We drank too much, smoked too much, and had a great time all day. But then toward the end of the night, she started talking with this drunk guy, and they were both trying to get me to dance. By myself.  Next to this other guy who was dancing by himself.  To be clear, I love to dance. But not on demand and with an audience, even of two. And they wouldn't stop. They kept prodding and prodding until I finally left. I went to bed. The night felt ruined and funny thing was, I felt like it was my fault.  Or at least I felt that she felt like it was my fault. For not being a sport.

At a wedding many years ago with my ex-husband a similar thing happened. During the reception, he left to use the restroom and probably got sidetracked into a conversation with a friend. Anyways, he was gone for awhile.  The father of the groom started asking me if I was going to go dance. I guess the music was something not requiring couples. He seemed to think I should just get on the dance floor and dance for myself for his amusement. I politely declined. Pretty soon he had several other people around me urging me to go dance. In hindsight (of course) none of them were dancing either and I could have pointed that out. But I didn't. And that wasn't the point. The point was that they knew I was shy, my husband wasn't there, and they were bullying me. And it lead to a panic attack that forced me to ask my husband to take me home. Good times.

I was thinking about it a lot in the shower this morning, and I feel like there must be some hidden childhood memory, or memories, that I'm forgetting that would explain why I'm triggered so easily by these types of things. Like I said, I love to dance. But when someone tries to put me on the spot, I freeze and panic. In my 20s, I went to dance clubs all the time. I had no problem being in the spotlight with my friends at some of my favorite clubs in Seattle.

One of the more awful cases of being bullied was when I was young, 1st or 2nd grade. I was teased a lot by some of the neighbor kids in the trailer park I lived in. One day, a couple of boys somehow coerced me to a dirt lot outside of the park. One of them held me down, held my head to the ground, while the other got on his bike and rode toward me like he was going to run into my head. I don't remember anything after that. I assume that he did not run into my head because I don't have a scar to prove it.

Bullying is thought of as something that kids do. But it is something adults do too. Sometimes ones that are considered pillars of the community. Sometimes ones that are supposed to love you. Of course they think of it as playing around, teasing, not bullying.

Sometimes only introverts get the joy of discovering the true nature of people.

Boundaries

I think maybe I have lost my best friend. This is a person who is like a twin. We both went through divorces at the same time, take the same depression medication, and even have the same prescription eyeglasses, which I found out when she accidentally grabbed my glasses after a yoga session. She didn't even notice. I could write a novel on our friendship. But it began because of a man. My ex-husband's cousin died in a tragic drinking and driving accident and his death connected me and my ex-husband with her and her ex-husband in the most unexpected way. Now it is ending because of a man. An abusive, broken man whom she finds easier to fix than to fix her own life.  I feel sad but at peace with the end of this friendship. Maybe it will be renewed at some point, maybe not. I accept it either way. But I don't know if this peace comes from the profound shift in my life recently where I have stopped being angry and started being grateful. Or if it comes from my complete ability to detach from female friends. A skill, or curse, that I developed after two friends broke my heart at different times, years ago. I feel like I should feel guilty. Like I am turning my back on her in her darkest hour. But I didn't turn my back. I set up boundaries. Boundaries that she can't accept.

Boundaries are so important. So many times we feel we cannot set up boundaries with our loved ones because they might think we don't love them. But boundaries can be the most loving thing we can do. Especially for ourselves. But this time, it resulted in complete rejection.

But I am starting to feel that I am better off without close friends. Not a healthy feeling for sure. I have friends, but I have not let any of them as deep into my heart as I did her. I guess it was worth it. It got me through some of the darkest times in my life and hers. I am less ashamed of so many things after being so close to someone that accepted me for who I am. What do you do when you know they are misunderstanding your reasons for the boundaries but you also know further explanation is futile or even further damaging?

The dynamics of a friendship vs an intimate relationship are hard for me to navigate. I have always lacked the necessary social intelligence. I also have a history of giving everything to a female friend; like I need to prove myself, bribe them. And, maybe consequentially, I have a history of being taken advantage of.  I don't think I have ever had a relationship of any type that gave me more than I gave it. Or is that just my perception? Is that a weakness or a strength?

I don't know, but this is familiar territory. Not welcome but not feared either.

Single is OK

It seems counter intuitive, but I strongly believe that healing and peace comes from accepting the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that I want to be, but knowing that it is a possibility (we aren't all going to grow old with someone) and being OK with that. Well, the journey to get to that place is key. Because to get to that place, I have to love myself and be at peace in my own company. Because being single is being alone. Even if I have lots of friends and family frequently around me, I still are ultimately alone.

But am I any less alone when in a relationship? Maybe it really is just a false security. I can look at my life through that other person. They affirm my worth. They affirm the worth of  my life. I am not just myself. We are we. And we is more than I.

But it isn't. No more cop outs. I need to be enough. I need to love myself. When I first accepted that I might always be alone (and that took a few years) I felt an incredible amount of weight lift off of my heart. I no longer had to expend energy into my love life. There was no longer that NEED. Sometimes when I am bored or feel like maybe having company, I check out a dating site. But I no longer need to. Or if I do and don't find anyone, that is OK. And I have noticed how much pickier I am about who I allow into my life. And shouldn't I be?

If we love ourselves and are happy alone, will we not allow someone in our lives that jeopardizes that? And if they try, they are gone. No dragging through a bad relationship ever again.

But I have fears. What if I do get into a relationship, and I lose myself again? I start looking to that person for my worth. Old habits. Old patterns. Am I better off just staying single then to risk that? Or is it just going to take time to develop new habits and new patterns that are stronger and will not be broken?

I don't know. Anything worth achieving takes time and can't be sped up. So I will wait. Happy with my own company. And happy doing boring things.

Although I still have my secrets. I'm not as boring as people around me think. Secret relationships that still bring me that excitement. Secret ventures. Maybe I'll talk about that someday, but not now. For now, I'll just say, I have more peace than I maybe ever had. And I am grateful for all that I have, probably for the first time. I thank... who? Thank myself? Thank you to myself for finally taking it easy on myself?

That will work.

Blame Game

Life sometimes waits to begin until after tragedy. Tragedy is a hard word to use for a divorce when there are so many larger tragedies in the world. But also because the tragedy of a divorce revealed so many smaller shames, insecurities, and failures that seem so much more complex than just a single event. Divorce is a long, drawn out process of pain, regret, self exploration, sadness, anger, self blame, finger pointing, acceptance, desperation, and so much more.

It started as love, but looking back was it?  I loved him with a fierceness that more closely resembled insanity than happiness. When you look toward a man to fill such a large hole inside yourself, it just creates constant disappointment that inevitably turns into resentment. Each one more deep and painful than the next. Such a vicious cycle. And I didn't realize how it equally hurt him. He didn't deserve it.

But he wasn't innocent either. As the victim of abuse, and a life long struggle to keep it deeply hidden from everyone; he did not have the ability to love someone with the vulnerability that love requires. And neither did I.

I want to remember the happy memories and forget the sad ones. But then the happy ones become sad ones. Do you let it all go, or own that part of your life and acknowledge what part of you it contributed to today?

I don't know where I am going with this blog. My brain is always picking up small pieces of my life, turning it into a large volcanic chunk of rock, inspecting each and ever crevice. Although it rarely results in an insight that improves my life. Maybe .0001% of the time.

So here I go.