Pause

Three and a half years ago I did something for the first time in my career. I took a job that would be easy. There have been lots of challenges for sure. But for the most part I come to work, do as little or as much work as I like, and then go home. It takes surprisingly little to make my boss happy.

Before then I was the Executive Director for a non profit and was ambitious in my career. But divorce just took the wind out of me. I was exhausted and needed to simplify my life. I stepped down from the board of a volunteer nonprofit I served on and got a simpler job. I let go of almost all commitments. I stopped accepting invitations to social get togethers. I avoided life.

I needed that time for self reflection, selfish pursuits, and recovery.

Last week I applied for an upper management position running a brand new office in our agency that would be a huge pay increase, require a move across the state, and would be very demanding. I have no idea if I have a real shot, but the fact that I am even applying for this position tells me something important about myself.

I'm finally ready to move on. There isn't the sense of relief that I would expect but maybe that is only because it is just one small hurdle of many. Many hurdles I already jumped, but there are many more to go. I would never have expected this journey to be as long and complicated as it is. But it isn't something you can force. You can try to avoid it, but it will happen anyways, in ways that will likely be worse. Each hurdle though opens up a door. Each hurdle lifts a weight off of your heart.

Anyways, wish me luck, if anyone is even reading this.

Frozen, Part 2

I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line I became one of those nice girls that worry more about hurting someone's feelings than how they are hurting mine. I worry so much about how my words or actions might effect a man that I let them do just about whatever he wants to me. I thought I was finally stronger than that, until my last date.

But first I think I need to finally put down in writing what happened to me two years ago. I was raped. That is a hard thing to say. I haven't even said it out loud. It is hard because I didn't even consider it rape until recently. I honestly told myself that because I didn't fight it and allowed it to happen, to avoid being raped (because I was in control, right?), that it wasn't rape.

It was an OK Cupid date. With a much younger guy. So no one was looking for love. We were supposed to meet in a restaurant. But when I got there he wouldn't get out of his truck because he said he forgot his wallet and couldn't have dinner with me unless he could pay for it. Even writing this is making me feel pretty stupid. But at that time I was also pretty broken. I didn't care about my safety. I didn't care about my body. I didn't care about my life. I just wanted to feel wanted. I didn't love myself so I needed someone else to. Christ, I'm too old to still be here.

I let him convince me into getting in the car with him, just to talk. And then he decides driving and talking is better. Soon he is driving me to a pretty remote area. He parked in an orchard. He pulled me outside. I told myself that if I tried to stop it, at best I might get left in the middle of nowhere to walk the several miles back to my car. At worst I might be raped. So I just let it happen. Any sane man would be able to tell I wasn't enjoying it. But he clearly didn't care. So since I let it happen, it couldn't be rape, right?

When it was over he drove me back to my car. I just drove away and laughed it off, like, what a loser. It was a couple years later that I thought about that night and broke down in shame.

I have blamed myself for this, not him. Blamed myself for getting myself into that situation. Blamed myself for all the sleeping around I did that led me to that point. Blamed myself for not loving and respecting myself more. Blamed myself for not fighting back.

And now, nine months later, I decide to try dating again. On craigslist, like I mentioned on the last post. I decided to take a chance on one guy. He seemed interesting. We had dinner. I wasn't feeling it but I listened to him talk about himself for about an hour. He kept telling me how much he liked me and I just told him I hadn't put an ad on craigslist like that before (which I haven't) and I wasn't yet sure what I was looking for. Finally, I told him I needed to get home to my daughter, which I did. He told me I should come to his house. He kept insisting. I can't believe I almost said yes just to appease him. But I didn't.

We went outside and I agreed to a hug, but he pulled me closer and was trying to kiss me. I finally broke it off and went to my car and he insisted on getting into my car for more "hugs". I let him. That's when he started to aggressively kiss me and grab my hair. I was just sitting their. Frozen. Again, any sane man should have been able to tell that I wasn't enjoying it. Why did I just sit there? Why was I afraid to hurt this asshole's feelings? How many times have I told my daughter that if some man is harassing her or making her feel uncomfortable to never hesitate to tell him to fuck off? It is not your job to make him happy, to smile at him, to listen to him. I tell her that all the time, because I don't want her to let these exact kinds of things happen to her.

So there I am. But finally this thought screamed in my head - why am I letting this happen? I yelled, "I have to go home!". OK, it wasn't "Get the fuck out of my car!", which is what I should have said, but it's a start. He jumped out of the car but said he wanted to see me again. I went home. I blocked him.

I don't think I'm going to go on another date for awhile. Serious or casual. Just not ready.

Frozen, Part 1

Which is easier?  Single, FWB, or Boyfriend?

So here I am, over three and a half years after divorce. After a 9 month sex free hiatus, I decided I wasn't going to have time for a boyfriend anytime soon, and I should just get myself a more 'casual' type situation. You know, casual... winky winky.

Now I have tried this before but that was too soon after my divorce and it ended with me getting clingy and heartbroken anyways. But after 9 months I figured I was ready.

Why not a boyfriend? Well honestly, I'm not sure I am emotionally strong enough to keep myself from turning into that needy, self loathing woman I was in my marriage. I have worked really hard to love and respect myself for the first time in my life, and I sure as hell am not going back to being that woman.

So I finally took the chance and placed a Craigslist ad. Now before you say, "ewwww, gross!" Craigslist isn't like it used to be (nothing but ads from truckers passing through town).  It is a pretty legit way these days of finding just about every type of, well, arrangement you might be looking for. And after listening to several podcasts from Billy Procida, I decided to take a chance.

It was a long ad. It was specific. I wanted to make sure readers knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well right off the bat it gets flagged. Twice. Both times after placing it under Casual Encounters. So I tried Woman for Man. That lasted longer but was flagged again after two hours. So I found an online forum made for asking questions about flagging. I posted my ad and asked why it had been flagged. What rule had I broken? Turns out, I hadn't broken any. The first commentor gave me a list of 'helpful' suggestions to make my ad better, that basically boiled down to, quit being such a bossy bitch. After a couple back and forths, I finally told them, I'm not going to water down my ad to cater to insecure men.

So I reposted under Woman for Man again, since it had resulted in about 20 responses before it was flagged the first time. I didn't change anything but I added, at the bottom (and I summarize): To the fuckwads that keep flagging my post, if you don't like women that state what they want and how they want it, you can kiss my curvy (because that was one of the terms they didn't like) ass and move the fuck on. Interestingly, it wasn't flagged again. I finally took it down myself after getting about 50 responses.

So what kind of responses did I get, and is finding and keeping a FWB really easier than a boyfriend? Well stay tuned (do people still use that term?) and find out.

Frozen, Part 2