Isolation

We all know or hear about people who, over the years, chose to live alone, be alone, isolate themselves from the world. They have endured some type of pain that has made the positives of friendships and other relationships not worth the risk of negatives. Because the negatives have been so painful for them.

I'm scared I am heading down that path. I don't consider myself a negative person. As an introvert, I actually love to spend one on one time with people. Whether it is an old friend or a hook up. I have spent cherished, if brief, time with fleeting lovers and long, intense conversation with old friends, or revealing car rides with co-workers. Introverts actually cherish these experiences.

In high school, and early 20s, I was hurt by several friends. I would go so far as to say I was taken advantage of and betrayed. Once I feel love for a friend, I become completely vulnerable to them. To a fault. I look back and I probably lost those friendships because I voluntarily became a wiping mat, before they even knew they wanted one.

And I'm there again. Do friendships only work if you keep each one an arm's length away? If you keep boundaries? Is that the difference between friendship and an intimate relationship? I don't think I will ever figure out how to navigate any kind of relationship. I look back at this current one and I remember so many happy and fun times. And so many painful ones.

I would love to know how others find and navigate friendships? Do you invite anyone willing into your life, or are you selective? Do you select friends like you would a girl or boyfriend? Someone that has particular qualities, values, and likes/dislikes? Should there be a friendship app like relationship ones?

I don't want to be one of those loners. But I fear once my kids are out of the house, I will become one.

Put On the Spot

I have a weird issue with being singled out. I'm guessing it has to do with being frequently bullied as a child. A product of introversion unfortunately. It ranged from teasing to sexual threats.  And I was such a sensitive kid, so even the more harmless teases seemed so severe. And to this day, although my confidence in myself is stronger than ever, I occasionally am triggered in situations where I feel put in the spotlight, singled out, and mocked. The most recent was at a music festival with my friend. We drank too much, smoked too much, and had a great time all day. But then toward the end of the night, she started talking with this drunk guy, and they were both trying to get me to dance. By myself.  Next to this other guy who was dancing by himself.  To be clear, I love to dance. But not on demand and with an audience, even of two. And they wouldn't stop. They kept prodding and prodding until I finally left. I went to bed. The night felt ruined and funny thing was, I felt like it was my fault.  Or at least I felt that she felt like it was my fault. For not being a sport.

At a wedding many years ago with my ex-husband a similar thing happened. During the reception, he left to use the restroom and probably got sidetracked into a conversation with a friend. Anyways, he was gone for awhile.  The father of the groom started asking me if I was going to go dance. I guess the music was something not requiring couples. He seemed to think I should just get on the dance floor and dance for myself for his amusement. I politely declined. Pretty soon he had several other people around me urging me to go dance. In hindsight (of course) none of them were dancing either and I could have pointed that out. But I didn't. And that wasn't the point. The point was that they knew I was shy, my husband wasn't there, and they were bullying me. And it lead to a panic attack that forced me to ask my husband to take me home. Good times.

I was thinking about it a lot in the shower this morning, and I feel like there must be some hidden childhood memory, or memories, that I'm forgetting that would explain why I'm triggered so easily by these types of things. Like I said, I love to dance. But when someone tries to put me on the spot, I freeze and panic. In my 20s, I went to dance clubs all the time. I had no problem being in the spotlight with my friends at some of my favorite clubs in Seattle.

One of the more awful cases of being bullied was when I was young, 1st or 2nd grade. I was teased a lot by some of the neighbor kids in the trailer park I lived in. One day, a couple of boys somehow coerced me to a dirt lot outside of the park. One of them held me down, held my head to the ground, while the other got on his bike and rode toward me like he was going to run into my head. I don't remember anything after that. I assume that he did not run into my head because I don't have a scar to prove it.

Bullying is thought of as something that kids do. But it is something adults do too. Sometimes ones that are considered pillars of the community. Sometimes ones that are supposed to love you. Of course they think of it as playing around, teasing, not bullying.

Sometimes only introverts get the joy of discovering the true nature of people.

Boundaries

I think maybe I have lost my best friend. This is a person who is like a twin. We both went through divorces at the same time, take the same depression medication, and even have the same prescription eyeglasses, which I found out when she accidentally grabbed my glasses after a yoga session. She didn't even notice. I could write a novel on our friendship. But it began because of a man. My ex-husband's cousin died in a tragic drinking and driving accident and his death connected me and my ex-husband with her and her ex-husband in the most unexpected way. Now it is ending because of a man. An abusive, broken man whom she finds easier to fix than to fix her own life.  I feel sad but at peace with the end of this friendship. Maybe it will be renewed at some point, maybe not. I accept it either way. But I don't know if this peace comes from the profound shift in my life recently where I have stopped being angry and started being grateful. Or if it comes from my complete ability to detach from female friends. A skill, or curse, that I developed after two friends broke my heart at different times, years ago. I feel like I should feel guilty. Like I am turning my back on her in her darkest hour. But I didn't turn my back. I set up boundaries. Boundaries that she can't accept.

Boundaries are so important. So many times we feel we cannot set up boundaries with our loved ones because they might think we don't love them. But boundaries can be the most loving thing we can do. Especially for ourselves. But this time, it resulted in complete rejection.

But I am starting to feel that I am better off without close friends. Not a healthy feeling for sure. I have friends, but I have not let any of them as deep into my heart as I did her. I guess it was worth it. It got me through some of the darkest times in my life and hers. I am less ashamed of so many things after being so close to someone that accepted me for who I am. What do you do when you know they are misunderstanding your reasons for the boundaries but you also know further explanation is futile or even further damaging?

The dynamics of a friendship vs an intimate relationship are hard for me to navigate. I have always lacked the necessary social intelligence. I also have a history of giving everything to a female friend; like I need to prove myself, bribe them. And, maybe consequentially, I have a history of being taken advantage of.  I don't think I have ever had a relationship of any type that gave me more than I gave it. Or is that just my perception? Is that a weakness or a strength?

I don't know, but this is familiar territory. Not welcome but not feared either.