Gratitude

Sometimes your brain knows something that your heart doesn't can't feel.  In fact that happens a lot to me.

I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for (but I feel like my life is shit).

I know I am better off without him (but I am still mad at him).

I know I am lucky to have a good paying job that allows me to help other do good work (but I don't want to go to work in the mornings).

Etc.

When your heart starts feeling what your brain knows, the relief is thick and welcome. I think the heart starts feeling it when something happens that snaps you out of your self pity. Gawd I was getting so sick of self pity.  

Crazy, but when DT got elected, I was like, I have bigger things to worry about. I started to worry less about myself and more about the impacts of a our new president. I realized I could lose my federally funded job, so I started feeling more grateful for it. 

I haven't seen my (best?) friend for months and my life has been quiet and peaceful. I don't think I realized how much stress she brought to my life.  I love her, and I care about her, but she really hurt me, and I don't know if I trust her anymore. I miss her, but being away from her has made me realize how much stress I have had in my life because of other people, not myself.  I have used that time being super productive fixing up my house, cleaning, writing, whatever.  It's great. And I'm not ready to have her back in my life. I don't know when I will.

The other day I was sitting on my back porch in the evening looking over my yard and loving it. I love my house. It's all mine and I've earned it. I've put love and care into it. I said thank you out loud.

My kids are far from perfect (as am I) but they are pretty damn amazing. They are good people.  I help them as best I can. I've been harder on them over the last six months. I was so easy on them because of the divorce, but it wasn't serving them anymore. And it's working; the grades are better, their attitudes are (mostly better). My son is doing well living with his dad, although he comes to my house as often as he could. Which I love.

Sorry if this post comes off as self serving. But it is pretty great feeling this way. I'm not bragging, I mean shit, it has taken 46 years. It's about time. If you are younger than me, don't wait that long.

Cleaning Up

I have been obsessively cleaning and organizing my house, throwing out anything that I don't need. I've never been a clean freak. I'm not dirty, just messy. After my divorce, I went through all my closets and garage and got rid of a fantastic amount of stuff. Boxes went to the ex, carloads to Goodwill and the dump, several weeks of full cans of recyclables, and three yard sales. But still, I feel overwhelmed with clutter and chaos.

But that changed two weeks ago. In the last two weeks, I finished redoing my bathroom, started in on the tile/tar paper on the wood stairs, and spent 12 hours total cleaning my kitchen, and I'm still not done. I've done yard work, sewing, and more. And it's all I think about; what next? But it isn't a negative, anxious feeling. It is more like... now I am ready.

Someone wrote, probably on Reddit, that once you clear your mind, you can clear your life. My mind hasn't been clearer. Rather than fill my life with fake company and busyness, I'm ready to simplify, increase quality, and, well, cleanse and purge.

The other recent news is that someone is moving into my basement. She is a nurse who has been house sitting for me, taking care of my pets while I'm out of town, for a couple years now. It will be a welcome source of income and I trust her. But she is, well, talkative and cheery. Am I ready for cheery? Maybe.

I have spent the last couple days sitting outside on my back porch. And I found myself saying, I love my house, my kids, my career. I am grateful. It wasn't forced. It was the truth.

It has been a long time since I have felt truly grateful. If ever. And that isn't because I didn't have cause to be. I know I am lucky. But feeling it is different.  We are so programmed in our society to be unsatisfied. It is how consumerism works. It is very hard to reprogram our brains to be grateful for what we have, and know that more won't make us happier.

So today, thank you. Thank you for reading, if there is anyone out there.