Single is OK

It seems counter intuitive, but I strongly believe that healing and peace comes from accepting the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that I want to be, but knowing that it is a possibility (we aren't all going to grow old with someone) and being OK with that. Well, the journey to get to that place is key. Because to get to that place, I have to love myself and be at peace in my own company. Because being single is being alone. Even if I have lots of friends and family frequently around me, I still are ultimately alone.

But am I any less alone when in a relationship? Maybe it really is just a false security. I can look at my life through that other person. They affirm my worth. They affirm the worth of  my life. I am not just myself. We are we. And we is more than I.

But it isn't. No more cop outs. I need to be enough. I need to love myself. When I first accepted that I might always be alone (and that took a few years) I felt an incredible amount of weight lift off of my heart. I no longer had to expend energy into my love life. There was no longer that NEED. Sometimes when I am bored or feel like maybe having company, I check out a dating site. But I no longer need to. Or if I do and don't find anyone, that is OK. And I have noticed how much pickier I am about who I allow into my life. And shouldn't I be?

If we love ourselves and are happy alone, will we not allow someone in our lives that jeopardizes that? And if they try, they are gone. No dragging through a bad relationship ever again.

But I have fears. What if I do get into a relationship, and I lose myself again? I start looking to that person for my worth. Old habits. Old patterns. Am I better off just staying single then to risk that? Or is it just going to take time to develop new habits and new patterns that are stronger and will not be broken?

I don't know. Anything worth achieving takes time and can't be sped up. So I will wait. Happy with my own company. And happy doing boring things.

Although I still have my secrets. I'm not as boring as people around me think. Secret relationships that still bring me that excitement. Secret ventures. Maybe I'll talk about that someday, but not now. For now, I'll just say, I have more peace than I maybe ever had. And I am grateful for all that I have, probably for the first time. I thank... who? Thank myself? Thank you to myself for finally taking it easy on myself?

That will work.

Blame Game

Life sometimes waits to begin until after tragedy. Tragedy is a hard word to use for a divorce when there are so many larger tragedies in the world. But also because the tragedy of a divorce revealed so many smaller shames, insecurities, and failures that seem so much more complex than just a single event. Divorce is a long, drawn out process of pain, regret, self exploration, sadness, anger, self blame, finger pointing, acceptance, desperation, and so much more.

It started as love, but looking back was it?  I loved him with a fierceness that more closely resembled insanity than happiness. When you look toward a man to fill such a large hole inside yourself, it just creates constant disappointment that inevitably turns into resentment. Each one more deep and painful than the next. Such a vicious cycle. And I didn't realize how it equally hurt him. He didn't deserve it.

But he wasn't innocent either. As the victim of abuse, and a life long struggle to keep it deeply hidden from everyone; he did not have the ability to love someone with the vulnerability that love requires. And neither did I.

I want to remember the happy memories and forget the sad ones. But then the happy ones become sad ones. Do you let it all go, or own that part of your life and acknowledge what part of you it contributed to today?

I don't know where I am going with this blog. My brain is always picking up small pieces of my life, turning it into a large volcanic chunk of rock, inspecting each and ever crevice. Although it rarely results in an insight that improves my life. Maybe .0001% of the time.

So here I go.